Computer Jokes... Five Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female...

Five reasons computers must be female...
5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Gorilla hunter - Awesome joke!

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Managers are managers

A team of young budding Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So the Managers discussed and put up a project plan with roles and responsibilities. The Manager who was responsible for organizing the resources went out and got a ladder and a tape. The tape measure was just the ordinary tape of 6 feet. The lead manager assigned another manager to go on top of the pole and start the measure. They were falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An Engineer came along and saw what they' were trying to do. He walked over pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and walked away.

After the Engineer went away, one manager turns head to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length"

Moral: No matter how good engineer you are, Manager always finds fault in you.

Jokes with a moral!

LESSON 1

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park,they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. And he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. And he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."

MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"


LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,"Listen, " said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive.He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy.

LESSON II: "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING"


LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA Whenthe American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
Mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

LESSON III: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"


LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!! ......... "

LESSON IV: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"

Newton's laws of romance

Universal law of Love:

Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "


First law of Love:

A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external
agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."


Second law of Love:


The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance."


Third law of Love:

The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

A Mailman's last day at work!

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the f inal house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

Password and underwear