Eight year old Sally brought her report card from school...
Her marks were good! Mostly A's and a couple of B's...
However her teacher had written at the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in the school. I have an idea I'm going to try which I think may break her of the habit..."
Sally's dad signed her report card leaving a note at the back.
"Please let me know if that idea works on Sally because i would like to try it on her mother..."
Showing posts with label Clean Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clean Jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Funniest Joke
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
Friday, March 9, 2007
Humorous quotes!
1. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I
can't remember the other two... -- Sir Norman Wisdom
2. One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that
even a bargain costs money. -- Edgar Watson Howe
3. A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
success! -- Doug Larson
4. A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! -- Eric Bolton
5. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me. -- Erno Philips
6. I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul
7. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller
8. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge
9. Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields
10. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers
11. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out,
you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney
12. Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not
have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the
same choice we've always had: work or prison. -- Tim Allen
13. If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry
you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
14. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
15. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. -- Erica Jong
16. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard
17. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson
18. In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found
out. -- Joey Adams
19. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman
20. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already
born ? -- Benny Hill
can't remember the other two... -- Sir Norman Wisdom
2. One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that
even a bargain costs money. -- Edgar Watson Howe
3. A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your
success! -- Doug Larson
4. A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! -- Eric Bolton
5. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me. -- Erno Philips
6. I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul
7. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller
8. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge
9. Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields
10. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers
11. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out,
you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney
12. Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not
have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the
same choice we've always had: work or prison. -- Tim Allen
13. If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry
you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
14. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
15. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. -- Erica Jong
16. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard
17. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson
18. In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found
out. -- Joey Adams
19. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman
20. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already
born ? -- Benny Hill
Monday, March 5, 2007
A Priest's last wish -- Political Joke
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die." whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived.
Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy
"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Clinton 's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
Amen" said Kennedy.
"Amen" said Clinton
The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die." whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived.
Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy
"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Clinton 's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
Amen" said Kennedy.
"Amen" said Clinton
The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
Jokes with a moral!
LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park,they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. And he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. And he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,"Listen, " said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive.He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy.
LESSON II: "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING"
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA Whenthe American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
Mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!! ......... "
LESSON IV: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park,they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff. And he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. And he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,"Listen, " said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive.He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy.
LESSON II: "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING"
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA Whenthe American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
Mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!! ......... "
LESSON IV: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Elbowing around - A must read!
A young lady is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.
She says: ''You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A.
Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you''
The boyfriend says: ''Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?''
"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?''
She says: ''You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A.
Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you''
The boyfriend says: ''Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?''
"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?''
Monday, February 26, 2007
More Sardar jokes... More fun!
Q. Why can't Sardar dial 911?
A. They can not find the eleven on the phone
----------------------
Q. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
A. He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
---------------
Q. What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper?
A. As he has already one with him, he takes a photocopy of the white paper !!!
---------------
Q. Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A. Because below 18 was not allowed.
---------------
Q. How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
A. Stick a tyre pressure gauge in his ear.
---------------
Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
---------------
Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his
mouth.
---------------
Q. How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
---------------
--------------
Q. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
---------------
Q. Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A. They always forget the recipe.
---------------
Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.
---------------
Q. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A. A wind tunnel.
---------------
Q. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
A. The back of his head.
----------------
Q. Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.
---------------
Q. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
----------------
Q. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
-----------------
Q. How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.
-----------------
Q. "Oh, look at the dead bird.
A. " Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
A. They can not find the eleven on the phone
----------------------
Q. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
A. He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
---------------
Q. What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper?
A. As he has already one with him, he takes a photocopy of the white paper !!!
---------------
Q. Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A. Because below 18 was not allowed.
---------------
Q. How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
A. Stick a tyre pressure gauge in his ear.
---------------
Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
---------------
Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his
mouth.
---------------
Q. How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
---------------
--------------
Q. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
---------------
Q. Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A. They always forget the recipe.
---------------
Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.
---------------
Q. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A. A wind tunnel.
---------------
Q. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
A. The back of his head.
----------------
Q. Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.
---------------
Q. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
----------------
Q. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
-----------------
Q. How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.
-----------------
Q. "Oh, look at the dead bird.
A. " Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
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